I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up

That’s how it felt.

I went back to Japan this summer, my home for a decade.  

It’d been 18 years since I left and it was like stepping through the looking glass.  

I felt like a stranger and yet oddly at home.  SO much was different and so much the same.  The language spilled out of me without having spoken it for years. I reconnected with old friends, colleagues, family and, of course, food.  There were tears upon tears and laughs beyond number.  

And at some point I unplugged from things back here.  

I didn’t even notice until someone asked about the U.S.- and I literally could not, for several long, disturbing seconds, picture my house.  It was like my brain had closed the door to the reality of my America to re-open the reality of my Japan.  My visit was wonderful and strange, joyful and sad, fulfilling and heartbreaking.  

And when I returned I wasn’t the same.  I didn’t FEEL the same.  I couldn’t ACT the same.  All summer long I tried to plug in, tried to engage but the most I could manage was the necessary things.  I couldn’t even tap myself back.  

I’d fallen and I couldn’t get up.

And I think what it was about was a mixture of the fulfillment of going back home and the deep grief I’d never acknowledged.  I left Japan in a whirlwind, not unplanned but fast.  My husband’s green card came through and we left like a shot!  And then another whirlwind of travel to Brasil then back to the States and a US wedding, finding jobs, fitting in and managing the inevitable, overwhelming culture shock after being gone for so long.

And I never grieved.  Not once. I never grieved my loss of Japan.  And as I’m writing this now I am making that connection for the very first time.  I never took time to grieve.  I shut the door behind me- because that’s what I had to do.  I needed to get things done and couldn’t be bogged down by the loss of my beloved Japanese friends, family and home back there.  And 18 years later with the trigger of going and leaving again it all bubbled up.

And so, I couldn’t get up.  

I tried.  I kept telling myself I SHOULD be ‘productive’ and I SHOULD be networking and I SHOULD be keeping up with my newsletters.   And I’d let the black hole of my inbox take me away and show me that I didn’t have time, that I was too busy.  

The truth was, I just needed time.  Time to feel the loss- old and new, to readjust once again and to rest and restore so I could come back strong and dive back in.    

Have you ever fallen and couldn’t get up?  Did you fall into self-judgment like I did?  Did you try to push and force and wind up in sabotage? (Inboxes are FANTASTIC for that !) 🙂  

Sometimes we just need to step back.  Sometimes we need to take a break and allow ourselves to be where we’re at – without poking ourselves in the eye for it.  

So if you’ve fallen (or the next time you do), I invite you to call in compassion, release self-judgment and allow yourself the space and time to heal, grieve, restore- whatever it is you need- without giving in to beating yourself up.  

Sometimes we just need to be and that’s okay. 


*Energy Clearing
Everywhere you feel like you can’t get up and do what you’re “supposed” to do, will you destroy and uncreate that judgment now?  Everywhere you’ve decided you don’t get to rest, don’t get to grieve, don’t get to get what you actually need, would you be wiling to uncreate and destroy that?  What energy space and consciousness can you be to allow yourself compassion and to receive what you need?  And anything that doesn’t allow that, will you uncreate that too?) 🙂  

Love & Light, 

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