This was really hard  to write.

It took me a bunch of drafts and more than 2 weeks to write.

And I’m asking you to please, please read it – ALL.

Take it in.
Then let it sink in- 
even if it’s hard for you to read.

I kept pushing the writing away because it hurt. 

It hurts.

And then I realized that, in a way, I was doing what she did with her pain- which ultimately ended her life.

Several weeks ago one of my best friends died.

It wasn’t one of those peaceful lead-ups to the end of life we all wish for.

It was a tragic spiral.
And as I look back,
I see now, that it was a slow dying over years. 

A dying that sped up in these last few months
and which ultimately took me by surprise.

I believe in miracles- as many of you know.
I’ve experienced them time and time again myself.
And I guess I expected that she would choose differently sooner
so that her miracle of healing would come.

But she didn’t.

It was her life- her journey –
her choice to not face the hurt and trauma
and heal the pain inside her.

She tucked it away.
Boxed it up neatly,
And chose to keep that lid shut tight.

You may disagree with and that’s ok.
I have no proof. 
But in my heart I know she died because she didn’t heal the pain inside her. She didn’t deal with her worry and anxiety and so –
Her body finally hit a tipping point.
And there was no turning back.
Not without a different choice made sooner.

Years of layered, unresolved hurt and trauma 
held at bay, 
stored in her body,
eventually led to rampant

anxiety
worry
fear
distrust
disharmony
hopelessness
a deep sense of powerlessness
financial disarray
relationship chaos
repeated thoughts of taking her life

And that, over the years, led to

stomach issues so bad she could barely eat
chronic insomnia so bad she could only catch 15 minute naps here & there
debilitating panic attacks
intense muscle weakness
escalating pain

…and in the last 5 months all of that turned into

-a 3x multiplying of her original autoimmune disorder
-liver failure (even though she never touched a drink)
-congestive heart failure
-pneumonia
-sepsis
-and oxygen so levels low that her mind was lost before I lost her.

Her name was Anita.
And we were soulmates.

We met in social work grad school and felt an immediate, mutual, undeniable soul-connection.

We sensed and knew things about each other without speaking.
She would pop into my mind when she was going through something
and I would pop into hers when I was struggling.
It was never a surprise that a second after I thought of her, my phone would ring and vice versa.

She was an incredible psychotherapist- doing amazing, creative work way before outside-the-box techniques were a thing in traditional therapy.

She was a fierce champion for women and her private practice was dedicated to helping traumatized women heal- especially those who experienced domestic violence.

But she never chose healing for herself.

There was always an ear and a shoulder for others.
But never for herself.
There was always time for others.
But never for herself.
There was always help to give.
But never for herself.
(even though it was available and often offered.)

She had trouble letting people in.
Even me.
And when she did,
and on very rare occasions when she asked for support,
in the end, there was always a reason why not to receive it.
Whether ideas, avenues or direct services were offered to help her body heal
or to resolve the hurt and trauma-

She always had a reason why not:

-not enough time
-not enough money
-it has to be in person
-it’s the wrong time
-it’s the wrong thing
-I can handle it on my own
-not now
-later
-later
-later

And now there are no more laters for her.

There is SO much I want to say.
And I will.

I honor Anita and will love and miss her forever.
I learned a mountain of things from her.
I feel blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life.
And I feel it’s important to share some of that with you.

And now that she’s on the other side of things
and has the perspective of forever,
what I say next
I know she would want me to say.  

Because, if you see even an inkling of yourself in her —

-fierce independence
-staunch stubbornness
-resistance receiving help or support
-putting-off healing ’til ‘later’…

And if her story can nudge you onto
the path of healing your stuff sooner
rather than a later that may never come,
(for whatever reason)…

It will be worth it.

Because YOU are worth it.

You are worth all the healing in the world
And you deserve all the joy in the universe,
All the abundance and prosperity,
All the success.
All the inner and outer freedom.
You deserve it all.
And so did she.

And now that she has the perspective of forever,
I know in my heart she would want me to share her story with you-
And invite you into what she herself could not receive.

It’s not my job to convince you or force healing that you’re not ready for.

That’s no one’s job.

But if something inside you is niggling away…

If you’ve had the thought,
“At some point I should probably deal with that”

If you’ve gone through stuff you haven’t yet healed or fully healed from

If you understand that your unhealed past is standing in the way of the future you’re yearning for… 

Then please, please please, 
Open the box you tucked neatly away.
Honor it. 
Allow yourself to begin to face it.
Choose to heal it.

Because that box is not dormant.

The energy within is active and affecting you in countless ways.

For Anita it deconstructed her health, her mind, her desires, her relationships, her finances, her possibility and ultimately, her life.

I don’t know how your unresolved stuff will affect you-

Will it manifest disease or dysfunction in your body?
Will it diminish your potential to live your purpose?
Will it squash your capacity to create prosperity?
Will it infect your relationships and limit the love you can give and receive?

Has it already?

I don’t know how it will show up. 

But I do know one thing:
It will if it hasn’t already.

So right here, right now
I’m inviting you to make your healing a priority.

My purpose in this life is to link arms with those who have been hurt,
who are hurting,
who are reaching for their happiness and full potential…
and to guide them on their path of healing
and into a future of possibilities,
happiness and fulfillment
Into a life that was barred to them before-
Barred because of the unhealed hurt inside.

Healing.
This is where my gifts are.
This is my expertise.
This is my heart’s passion.

And so, if you are ready
and no longer willing to compromise your happiness or your possibility,

Reach out.

And if I’m not the person for you it is 1000% ok.

But then please find another expert healer
who you can trust
who is a good match for you.
who has the capacity to hold sacred non-judgmental space
who understands the intricacies of Big T trauma and Little T trauma
who is trained in psychology, energy work and spirituality
and has mastered effective energetic and somatic healing therapies.

Whatever it takes,
please don’t let yourself say ‘later’ any longer.

(If you feel led to reach out to me now- please trust that nudge: heidi@tapintoabundancenow.com)

If you are in crisis or not feeing safe with yourself, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

In Love and Deepest Healing,